(check back periodically, i'll add to this as i find quotes i like.)
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.
-Thomas Edison
If I could live my life over, I wouldn't change a thing, especially diapers.
-Randy Glasbergen
A painter, out of work for many months, finally was contracted to repaint a nearby church. To boost his profit margin, the painter watered down the paint. As he was applying the thin mixture to the old church, the sky darkened, there was a clap of thunder, then rain. The watered-down paint was washed off the building. Then a voice from the sky thundered, "Repaint...and thin no more."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day - thirty thousand compared with a man's fifteen thousand. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
The husband turned to her and asked, "What?"
If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.
-Maya Angelou
One day a father was talking to a friend about his son, who had caused great heartache. The friend said, "If he were my son, I would kick him out."
The father thought for a moment then said, "Yes, if he were your son, so would I. But he is not your son; he's mine, and I can't do it."
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's computer. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know, Daddy," she replied. "I can't read."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a morals lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
There was a pause, then Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
-Adapted from "Gladly," Faith & Values section, Minneapolis Star Tribune
"I'm gonna need some love and understanding and a lot of GLUE up here!"
-Dennis the Menace
Archbishop Fulton Sheen once went shopping at a department store. He got on an elevator at the fifth floor and pushed the button for the sixth. Before the doors closed, a woman rushed on, and as the elevator rose, she said, "I didn't want to go up. I wanted to go down." She turned to Archbishop Sheen and added, "I didn't think I could go wrong following you."
"Madam, replied the archbishop, "I only take people up, not down."
-Prairie Home Companion's Pretty Good Joke Book, vol. 3
There's a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and sees a man standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man suddenly disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak - and the man disappears again.
"Hey!" St. Peter calls after him. "Are you playing games with me?"
"No-o-o-o-o!" the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "I'm in a hospital, and they keep trying to resuscitate me!"
"No-o-o-o-o!" the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "I'm in a hospital, and they keep trying to resuscitate me!"
Domine, non sum dignus, ut intres sub tectum meum: sed tantum dic verbo, et sanabitur anima mea. (Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldst enter under my roof; say but the word, and my soul shall be healed.)
-Canon of the Mass, Latin rite
Get your facts first, and then you may distort them as you please.
-Mark Twain
Most people see what is, and never see what can be.
-Albert Einstein
If you're going through hell, keep going.
-Winston S. Churchill
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
-Albert Einstein
Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
-Winston S. Churchill
Man is born to live, not to prepare for life.
-Boris Pasternak
When in doubt, squirt it out (with a supersoaker!).
-me
If you have a great voice, sing out and praise God. If you don't have a good voice, sing out and make Him regret giving you the voice you've got!
-Denny Baker
Death is not the end of the journey. It is simply another path, one which we all must take.
-Gandalf the White
To get what you've never gotten, you must first do what you've never done.
To do what you've never done, you must first choose like you've never chosen.
To chose like you've never chosen, you must first think as you've never thought.
To think as you've never thought, you must first be a little different than you've ever been.
-Brother Dominic
Laughter is love made visible.
-Fr. Pete
We should not arrive at death's door all prim and proper in a pretty and well-preserved body. Instead, we ought to arrive breathlessly, skidding broadside through the pearly gates, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a ride!"
-Unknown
Have you ever felt that even though you're taking things "one day at a time", it's about twenty-four hours more than you can take?
-Barbara Johnson
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: When did you start noticing this problem?
Patient: What problem?
There will be no further crises this week. My schedule is already full.
-Barbara Johnson
A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.
-Edward B. LeWinn, M.D.
A man had just undergone surgery, and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" "There's a big fire across the street," the nurse explained, "and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
-Rob Gilbert, PH.D.
WARNING! Humor may be hazardous to your depression.
-Nurses for Laughter
Humor is tragedy plus time.
-Carol Burnett
I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
-Dale Carnegie
I left my worries on the doorstep...forgot they were there, and tripped over them.
-Tom Wilson
"If I sold everything I owned and gave the money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" the Sunday school teacher asked her class of five-year-olds.
"NO!" the children shouted in unison.
"If I cleaned my house every day, mowed the yard, planted flowers, and made my home beautiful, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" they answered again.
"If I was kind to animals and polite to friends, if I loved my family, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" came the enthusiastic reply.
"Well," the teacher continued, "how can I get into heaven?"
One little boy shouted out the answer: "You have to be DEAD!"
A woman took her small daughter to the funeral home for the viewing of her great-grandmother. Staring, perplexed, into the casket, the little girl asked, "Mama, why did they put Great-grandma in a jewelry box?"
-Lowell Streiker
At the end of the school year, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I'll bet I know what it is: some flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said. "How did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher answered.
The next pupil was the candy-store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I'll bet this is a box of sweets."
"How did you know?" the little girl asked.
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher answered.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked with a smile.
"Noooooooo," the boy replied with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?"
"Noooooooo," the boy replied again with even greater excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up. What is it?"
With great glee, the little boy shouted, "It's a puppy!"
A little boy's prayer:
Dear God, please take care of my family, take care of the whole world, and please God, take care of Yourself, or we're all sunk.
Billy: How do babies get their bellybuttons?
Susie: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then He walks along in front of them, pokes each one in the tummy with His finger, and says, "You're done...you're done...and you're done."
-Bob Phillips
A little boy told his preschool teacher one morning, "I have a disappointment I want to talk about in circle time."
"Ohhhhh," said his teacher, worried he might be planning to spill some embarrassing family news. "Could you tell me first?"
"No," he replied solemnly. "I want to tell everyone."
She tried to persuade him to give her a preview of his "disappointment", but he stubbornly refused to say another word until his little classmates were assembled in the sharing-time circle.
Nervously, the teacher waited. When it was his turn, the little boy took a breath and started telling about lying down on a big chair that lifted him up toward a bright light. A man wearing a mask told him to open his mouth.
It was then that the preschool teacher realized just what the little tyke was describing: his dentist appointment.
-Julie Hendry
One Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Puzzled, the mom called the Sunday school teacher and asked for an explanation. "This morning's lesson?" the teacher recalled. "It was, 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'"
