nameless story

I was going through my story archives the other day, and found this little thing. I wrote it when I was 14 or 15 for kids in kindergarten through second grade, or thereabouts age-wise for a read-aloud. It made me laugh that I wrote something this silly, and I thought that you, my faithful readers, would appreciate some of the silliness of a 14 year old writing this fairy tale for young kids. Maybe you need a laugh, but I hope you enjoy!

Oh, and it's nameless because I could never come up with a name for it. If you think of a title, feel free to post it for me in the comments!

-enna

Once upon a time, there was a castle with many people visiting. There were dukes and barons and princes and lords, and they all wanted to marry Princess Anne of Dazzlemetodeath. I am pretty ordinary, so I don’t know why they all wanted to marry me. Yes, I am Anne of Dazzlemetodeath. I was 19 at the time of this story, and I can remember as if it was yesterday...

I wasn't the slightest bit interested in the valor and honor and bravery of my suitors. I wanted to know if they had compassion, mercy, kindness, and the respect of the peasants. So I came up with a plan. I normally would eat my luncheon by myself, so it wouldn't be hard to fool them.
I borrowed the outfit of one of the kitchen maids, and became a waitress for the suitors. Duke Malus, Baron Wantmore, Prince Nuthouse, and Lord Lookatme were the only ones left. The rest I had already turned down. However, there was one person at the table that day who did not have a title. A man had come to the doors, asking if he could see me. The servants had told him that he could see me after lunch, and would he please eat with the other suitors. I would see him with the others when I rejected the ones I was displeased with. He said that was fine, and his name was Jesse.
When I came in, bearing the pheasant that was lunch, Duke Malus started laughing at Jesse, who was gaping at the bird I was carving. “Country boy, shut your mouth. If the Princess Anne hears of your awful table manners, then you will be booted out of this castle.”
Baron Wantmore sneered in my face when I only gave him one slice of meat. He snarled in my face, “I may be eating a bird, but I do NOT have a bird’s stomach. Give me AT LEAST one more piece, and it had better be thicker than this one.”
Prince Nuthouse laughed in my face, and then took his plate and shoved it in my face! Then he took spoonfuls of the mashed potatoes and flung them at me.
Lord Lookatme made him stop, but then was ungrateful when I only said thank you once. “Girl, you ought to be thanking me more than that! I just saved you from a nut case!”
Jesse, finishing his food quietly, asked me politely, “Please, may I have some more of the potatoes and roast pheasant?” I gave him what he had asked for willingly, and when I came over with his refilled plate, he said thank you and gave me his napkin to clean my face with.
If it had been one of my older sisters, they would have taken one of the titled men, even though they were horrible. I didn't even have to think about who was going and who was staying. I left and changed back into my clothes after I got all the mashed potato off, then had the five men come in. The servant introduced Jesse, and I managed to act like I had never met him before.
I looked at Duke Malus first. “Duke Malus, I regret to say it, but you need to return home. I thank you for the pleasurable time we had together.”
Baron Wantmore was next to go. “I thank you for your time and courtesies, Baron Wantmore, but I think you will be happier if you return to your own castle.”
Before I told Prince Nuthouse to leave, I had the guards come in and restrain him. “Nuthouse, my friend, you could do much more for your country if you were home.”
I was glad for the guards, because the prince lunged out of anger and tried to get at me. The guards dragged him out, and I was left with Lord Lookatme and Jesse. “Lord Lookatme, I hate to say this, but your children are ill and you must return home to them.” I had found out that he was a widower at the luncheon, and a messenger had come and said they were ill, so I had a wonderful excuse! He simply turned purple from rage and left.
Jesse was the only one left. “Jesse, at the luncheon, you were the only one that showed compassion and kindness to me. I…”
“Princess, how do you know I showed compassion or anything at the lunch? You weren't even there. I showed compassion to a kitchen maid. I've never even met you before!”
“Oh, but you have, Jesse. You see, I was that kitchen maid. I was trying to find out what my suitors were really like. You can imagine that they would be on their best behavior when I was around.”
Jesse looked kind of shocked, so I showed him the napkin he had given me to clean myself up with. “Jesse, a young man with every element a king should have gave this to me while I was serving the suitors who were trying to win my hand. That same man managed to keep his poise amongst some of the meanest people I have ever laid eyes on.”
I smiled, and Jesse smiled back. I figured he knew who I was talking about, so I asked him why he had wanted to see me. He turned bright red and mumbled, “To ask for your hand, but I supposed you would laugh in my face. Would you marry me?”
“One thing first, Jesse.” He looked surprised. “Do you want your napkin back?”
We laughed, and left the room to find my father comparing words that would describe Duke Malus, Baron Wantmore, Prince Nuthouse, and Lord Lookatme.

So, now I have two beautiful daughters who know what to look for in a man (NOT the title), a wonderful husband, and Dazzlemetodeath is in good hands. I suppose you could say that we lived happily ever after. (Happier, anyway, than the other suitors did.)