i want to make something clear....

i’ve been informed by one of my friends that i have been acting rather depressed for the past two months. *goes back and reads blog posts since the beginning of november* i really don’t understand what she means...i’ve been a bit more stressed than i normally am, sure, but i’ve had a lot more on my plate. this semester, as compared to the second semester of my sophomore year, is MUCH different. that year, all i had was school, band, and coop. that’s it. i had lots of extra time for crafts, hanging out with friends, reading, being a lazy bum...you get the picture. time for me. then over the summer, i got one job. then i got another job. so...i had two jobs over the summer. still not all that bad. but then you get to this semester...i had school, and band, and coop still, but i also am working eighteen hours a week; i took a college level chemistry class four days a week; and i added swim team back into my schedule. oh, and i almost forgot...i also took the PSAT, and i will be taking the SAT, ACT, and NLE (national latin exam) this spring. i’ve been researching colleges, so that i know where i’m applying next fall and what requirements are...and also working really hard on keeping my grades up, because i’ve got to face the facts – if i don’t get scholarship money (and lots of it), even if i go to a state school, i will not be able to afford college. there’s only so many loans i can take out...if i get married and have kids, i’m not going to be working; and if i’m not working, i’m not making the money necessary to pay off loans. (ok, that was a bit of a tangent...) so...goodbye, free time. :P i’ve been trying really hard to keep my evenings free so that i have a little time to just chill and have some time to do whatever (chat with friends online, read a book, watch a movie, etc...) but i’ve been pushing my sanity very close to the line on a basis that’s been so regular, it’s truly frightening. i knew that something was wrong when i scared the (excuse my language) bloody crud out of my friends about halfway through september during a particularly busy week; since then, i’ve been keeping the stress of my hectic schedule hidden. they’re in high school too – they don’t need my stress in addition to what they already deal with.

so i act a little more down than i normally do. has it never occurred to you that my slightly crazy personality might be calming down some as i get closer to adulthood? or that i’m finally shedding a little bit of that skin so that people can see more of my serious side? i’m not depressed; i’m not suicidal (something else that she said :P). so what if i’m a complete klutz? so what if i trip over my own feet? so what if i have lousy balance? SO WHAT?? i’m perfectly capable of keeping myself from major harm. because, as strange as they may find it, i’m actually pretty careful. i’m pretty dang healthy; i’ve got a healthy body weight (probably much more healthy than many supermodels); i have a pretty balanced diet; i have never broken any bones; i have never had to go to the hospital (for me...i’ve visited family members and taken my mother there); the worst thing that’s happened to me is that i had a 102.4 degree F fever one time when i had strep throat. i do not need to be wrapped in bubble wrap and hung from the ceiling. or wrapped in bubble wrap and chained in front of a television. (and if they really wanted to keep me from harm, then that would be a bad idea; my brain would fry after about two days and i’d be raving mad by day three.) i appreciate the concern; but this takes it a little far. i’ve been trying to be a good sport about the whole thing; but this has been going on for almost a month, and it’s starting to grate.

i’m sorry if i seemed a little harsh, unfeeling, annoyed, (excuse me) bloody well ticked off, or whatever else...i really don’t know another way to put it. i am ME, and that is the end of it.

-enna